“We are creating the blueprint.”
This is what one of my partners said to me yesterday after I finally found the words to let him in on the way I had been feeling all day. The awareness that I was currently involved, and diving deeper into, a form of relationship I had never experienced before was starting to really come to me. I had been mentally exploring the possibility of polyamory for awhile now, about 2-3 years, but now that I had entered this lifestyle, the reality was showing to be much different than the vision.
I would not consider myself polyamorous necessarily. I prefer non-monogamous. I have multiple partners, all equally important to me, but completely different people with completely different relationships with me. I don’t see any one of them as my main partner, none are secondary, and I have the capacity and want to treat them all with the attention and care that I would give to one partner if that was what I preferred. But not only do I not prefer to only have one monogamous partner, even the thought of it feels confining. And while I am living and loving in a way that feels right to me, there are responsibilities that come with having several partners, as well as some inner conflict over it that i’ve begun to attempt to resolve, with the help of communication with my partners.
This lifestyle didn’t even seem realistic until a couple years ago, and even now that it is my reality, my dating life isn’t something I fully understand. I’m maneuvering in the unknown, and while there are a growing amount of resources around polyamory and non-monogamy, the specifics of my relationships, only we truly know. It requires a strong communication, trust in myself, and paying attention to the feelings and subtleties of my partners. Are they comfortable with the way we are moving? Does what we are moving towards match their vision? Do they have a vision of our future? Are they still aware that I’m dating another? Are they still okay with that? Is there jealousy? Am I playing favorites? Am I treating them like i’m playing favorites? These are the questions I keep in mind while also enjoying each of their presence and the beauty of our open love. I have not yet felt at all neglected by any one of them, and from what they have told me, they have not felt neglected by me either. I’m starting to connect to more people who are also in non-monogamous relationships, or considering it, which makes me feel less like i’m crawling in the dark. I know what I like and I wouldn’t trade it for ease.
More updates on my lessons from non-monogamy to come.